I found my wedding ring today.. after what felt like an eternity of panic. I can’t have nice things banar. Been married for a second and i’ve already lost a potential family stone. haha.

Matt was initially against buying a ring for me. he argued that its symbolism wasn’t exactly islamic. but i insisted and matt being a happy wife happy life guy relented ( thank you love u) . so anyway, this made the moment i realised it was gone all the more terrifying! instantly, his voice played in my head.. a mental ig reel of I TOLD YOU SOs. like how do u tell ur brand new husband that uve already lost the very thing u begged for?! ? tapi aku bagitau saja sal aku takut aku nda betidur.

the moment i noticed it was missing i launched into a full csi suv mode. ku check semua my security cameras dirumah atu macam aku ani kraja security di bank .. . but as usual kan? it’s aaaaaaaaalways when it really matters – the quality of the footage atu mcm telipun nokia 2000 tia. i kudnt figure out if i was wearing a ring or not but what was clear i had worn in when i left home last week. i just don’t know if i lost it diluar or dirumah. so whatever. i already called up the jeweler to check if they had another one in stock.. so if i cant ind then i can simply replace it and pretend this crisis never happened. laki ku tau plang. tuhan tau. aku tau. tapi kamu mana tau hahaha.

i was pretty low the whole week and i tot i should check w my therapist. not to talk about the ring saja of course but also other things. towards the end of the session i declared “i think i have adhd! diagnose me pls!”

i explained to him that I’ve been losing things since I was little, I can’t do math. I’m messy. I lose focus easily. If that’s not on some kind of spectrum, then what ijjit??? And honestly, i was really beating myself up for misplacing the wedding ring. and i think knowing something if i have adhd would help me in the long run. mcm it would explain most of my childhood too. heh. so anyway dr. said to come back with my old school records. mm.. nanti tah ah. huhu.

so anyway this morning i was clearing empty boxes of skincare when something fell into the sink. to my absolute shock and relief it was the ring. beshukur tah ku tu. i went through such an ordeal banar. be doa siang malam. minta mimpi dimana cincin atu haha. sampai minta kana diagnose adhd. pisan.

i dont know about you but im counting my blessings this week.

ok tq

you need a special pillow to sleep on.

you have to have several versions of minyak panas or menthol balm in your side drawers.

your brain stops functioning after 8pm.

you need to have structured screen time and make a conscious effort to put your phone down at least an hour before bed, or you risk lying awake until the early hours of the morning.

tapi perhaps yang paling sobering isnt the joint pains and the sluggish metabolism.. , the real kicker is when you’re chatting with a Gen Z at work and you casually mention Brunei’s APEC hosting in 2000, and they hit you with “Oh wow, were you there?” .

lai.. kaka ani bukan ancient history ni lai dear. hahahaha 2000 i was 15!!!!!!!! nah cuba cium ni menthol inhaler ani refresh kan pengliatan dan minda mu…jangan kau liat kaka betudung2 mcm buajah ani tua… banarnya muda masih.. *pasang lagu tenxi garam dan madu*

malam…chaos inihhhh….~~

sigh

An old reader recently reminded me of a post I had written years ago about my experience in a singing competition in Melbourne.. this was a lifetime ago. I was struck by how detailed i was in my writing … as if I wanted the entire world to know my every move.  If platforms like ig had existed then i think ill be in all sorts of trouble kana reddit kali haha. maybe.

these days i am more cautious. i guess it’s a case of you living and learning. dulu semuuaaaaaaaa kalau bulih ku jadikan kawan ku. but not everyone has good intentions, some people appear “kind”, “alim” yang anu jinis tunggang langgak sembahyang ..haha but their actions in the longterm tell a different story. banarnya, those who seem the most trustworthy are the ones to be most wary of. nya urang.. a wolf in sheep’s clothing. a snake in the grass.

I’ll be entering my 40s this year and i’ve never felt more content with my super small circle of friends. I like to think that im sincere. direct but at my core, sincere. i approach friendships with honesty but not everyone reciprocates. ive learnt that some friendships are simply not built to last..such as

• friends you met when you were younger – attached to the hip.. berabis. shared the same interests same humour, same fashion sense.. music taste ..but as time passes you find yourselves drifting apart. nda tia ngam lagi. inda lagi “sekufu” nya urang. which is sad but i guess that’s how the cookie crumbles.

• then, there are friends made through trauma bonding. the ones formed in moments of shared grievances, often over someone else. these ive learned are the most fragile and toxic. these friendships thrive on negativity on gossip and group chats filles with screenshots of someone else’s shortcomings. ive been guilty of it myself. i remember the amount of times i’d screenshot a post skali drop it dalam the group chat untuk mengucapkan secara bejamaah ..knowing very well that if the situation was flipped, i’d hate to be on the receiving end!

• and then ada yang what i like to call performative friends.. yang eksen dpn urang “ani kwn baik ku ni!!!!!” “i miss you sooo muchhhhh!!!!” they just loveeeeee making grand gestures in public tp sebenarnya they dont actually care. it’s all optics supaya ia nampak mcm orang yang terbaik dan banyak kawan di dunia ani rather than being an actual good friend.

• of course, the competitor friend. yang sebenarnya dalam diam, dangki kan kau. the one that downplays your achievements. kiasu hantap. ani paling heart breaking ni org cani ani.

• but ultimately, they can also a “pick and mix” of all the above.

these days i only want to be around people who nourish my soul. kalau dulu u cari kawan yang cool.. yang dangan curi2 besigup.. begauk.. cari kwn yang siuk dangan gosip.. sibuk bckp sal urang.. awal ani aku mencari kawan yang banar2 baik and jujur. no hidden agendas. yang skupu (sekufu).

amin.

i know im not perfect. ive made mistakes. there were times i wasnt the best friend that i could be. but i guess growth is about realising that. and i want to be better.

sekian terima kasih.

sekissme kassis.

PS: i really wanted this to be a funny post. tp mcm inda menjadi hahahaha.

PPS: hello back to the person who dropped a hi on the last post. tq for reading. i hope u have a good week.

it’s been a long time since i last flicked through a rom com. i saw two last night. A millenium classic , Serendipity and a more recent Woody Allen piece – A Rainy Day in New York. The latter i watched at 1.5x speed.

just waiting for my food now..

it’s February. My diet hasnt started and i’m out of panadol.

ok bye.