I am currently en-route to Lima. The last stretch of meetings this year. Whaddayaknow it’s November. It’s been a long bumpy ride and I can’t wait to get it done and over with. Through out the year I’ve had a mix of successes and failures. I won some and then lost some. Many personal wins, but work wise, i am burnt out.

I’d usually be burnt out towards the end of the year, right after all the meetings, but this year it came early. I didn’t even have time to recover before i had to travel again. (I’m not humblebragging ni ah.. just putting out a caveat… huhu I’ve been following Vivy Yusof’s fall from grace and honestly it’s terrifying. It’s a reminder—if you have money or have made it in life, jangan tah show off, just shut the fuck up and fuck off with your millions.Matt and I we share a joke based on memes on ig “if i have money, i will not say anything but there will be signs”—like topping up your car battery water with Fiji)

…the cabin crew just came over with tea and cake and a serviette with a blue windmill stamped on it. I always dread taking KLM flights cause of the lack of leg space but today im on one of those lucky flights where no one’s sitting in the middle. so i have ample room to wiggle.

yum its dutch apple cake!

aku ani ada adhd kali sebenarnya. i should get it diagnosed. ariatu lupa ku tanya therapist ku. i did ask him if i was bipolar. i asked him this cause i was going through a tough time at work jua… being the self-aware person that i am could feel mcm i was having mood swings bah. i couldnt get up for work, i hated the drive to work..mcm this feeling of dread would come and go and for a moment there i really thought i should have it checked out. skali baik jua nada papa..when i asked him if i was bipolar he looked at me quizzically and flipped through his notes (takut ku sudah) and reassured me, “syazwana, u dont. your feelings are validated, you are going through a tough time”. i was like THANK FUCKING GOD. now i just need have that health scan scheduled… heh.

oh and of course, ill remind to bring up adhd the next time im in therapy.

anyway, back to what i was saying long hours, tight deadlines, and projects that felt like i am jumping through hoops of fire. My colleague and I took it all in stride. We adapted and delivered. And yet, as the December trip approaches, we’ll find ourselves on the sidelines watching the plane take off without us.

Ultimately i have to remind myself that I am more than that trip that i was really looking forward to at the end of the year..recognition isn’t always about where we’re seated or which room we’re in. I shouldn’t give people the power to invalidate my achievements. it’s soooo much about the impact we leave behind.. the projects completed, the goals met, and the challenges overcome.

While we may not be on the plane this time.. the work speaks for itself.. even in our absence.

So now, the game plan for the next 10 days is not to let anxiety take over and control what you can control – in this case, i’m going to give this last assignment my best. it is not to overshine anyone, god no – but i’m doing it for me. the girl who values integrity, accountability and quietly setting a standard that i can be proud of..

… and nothing can hold me down.

*makan kopiko 10 biji*

kiss me.