I am currently en-route to Lima. The last stretch of meetings this year. Whaddayaknow it’s November. It’s been a long bumpy ride and I can’t wait to get it done and over with. Through out the year I’ve had a mix of successes and failures. I won some and then lost some. Many personal wins, but work wise, i am burnt out.

I’d usually be burnt out towards the end of the year, right after all the meetings, but this year it came early. I didn’t even have time to recover before i had to travel again. (I’m not humblebragging ni ah.. just putting out a caveat… huhu I’ve been following Vivy Yusof’s fall from grace and honestly it’s terrifying. It’s a reminder—if you have money or have made it in life, jangan tah show off, just shut the fuck up and fuck off with your millions.Matt and I we share this joke based on a mem on ig “if i have money, i will not say anything but there will be signs”—like topping up your car battery water with Fiji)

…the cabin crew just came over with tea and cake and a serviette with a blue windmill stamped on it. I always dread taking KLM flights cause of the lack of leg space but today im on one of those lucky flights where no one’s sitting in the middle. so i have ample room to wiggle.

yum its dutch apple cake!

aku ani ada adhd kali sebenarnya. i should get it diagnosed. ariatu lupa ku tanya therapist ku. i did ask him if i was bipolar. i asked him this cause i was going through a tough time at work jua… being the self-aware person that i am could feel mcm i was having mood swings bah. i couldnt get up for work, i hated the drive to work..mcm this feeling of dread would come and go and for a moment there i really thought i should have it checked out. skali baik jua nada papa..when i asked him if i was bipolar he looked at me quizzically and flipped through his notes (takut ku sudah) and reassured me, “syazwana, u dont. your feelings are validated, you are going through a tough time”. i was like THANK FUCKING GOD. now i just need have that health scan scheduled… heh.

oh and of course, ill remind to bring up adhd the next time im in therapy.

anyway, back to what i was saying long hours, tight deadlines, and projects that felt like i am jumping through hoops of fire. My colleague and I took it all in stride. We adapted and delivered. And yet, as the December trip approaches, we’ll find ourselves on the sidelines watching the plane take off without us.

Ultimately i have to remind myself that I am more than that trip that i was really looking forward to at the end of the year..recognition isn’t always about where we’re seated or which room we’re in. I shouldn’t give people the power to invalidate my achievements. it’s soooo much about the impact we leave behind.. the projects completed, the goals met, and the challenges overcome.

While we may not be on the plane this time.. the work speaks for itself.. even in our absence.

So now, the game plan for the next 10 days is not to let anxiety take over and control what you can control – in this case, i’m going to give this last assignment my best. it is not to overshine anyone, god no – but i’m doing it for me. the girl who values integrity, accountability and quietly setting a standard that i can be proud of..

… and nothing can hold me down.

*makan kopiko 10 biji*

kiss me.

banyak2 sayur..sayur apa yang proud and fabulous? taugay.. huhu

aku mcm impress jua mcm puzzled jua kan org mengudar just bean sprouts as a side dish. i dont know what to think of them to be honest.

on one hand aku mcm impress jua yg they can easily polish off a plate of brg yang nda berasa ani .. at the same time im like why? i can tolerate them but i wudnt necessarily order them on its own haha. it’s funny too, because i don’t see anyone eating them and saying “MMMM nyaman banar taugayy ani ehhhh”.drg pun mcm impartial jua, like they’ll comment on how good the chicken rice is but wud stay silent on the taugay. is it just mcm something on the side to help them aid their digestion kali hahhaha.. mcm ibarat apa ah.. mcm ibarat aku dalam bilikku main computer buka tv. it’s just there for noise.

tapi ada jua lagi sayur lain? mcm spinach kah sawi kah .. broccoli kah..something more wholesome.. ani dui malai yang sayur ibarat 5 oclock shadow ani pun yang kau kan order. harganya kurang labih jua eh mcm sayur biasa.

tp inda apa… haha nya org rambut sama hitam, hati lain lain.

shout out to jeff from the canteen earlier. i was so hungry and i decided to get a portion of the rbc fried chicken. jeff who was serving me asked if he’d like me to fry it again supaya bagi garing2. of course i said YES. kan. it’s good to be friends with semua org. hari hari dpt makan ayam goreng panas panas.

ok bye

i’m sitting here with Ning, who’s working on my pedicure, and she tells me how easily she gets exhausted these days. i asked her how many clients she used to handle in a day. “seven,” she said, without missing a beat. “now, i can only do three.” i couldn’t help but relate. these days, after a single bootcamp session with watchdee, i feel like i need three days to recover before i can go out and see the world again.

staying consistent w my work outs and my running is also a battle in itself. mentally, i’m easily thrown off track, especially when it’s peak season at work. when i finally get home, all i want to do is sleep or, worse, binge-watch and snack. i do my best to avoid the latter, knowing it only leads to a downward spiral but i’m still learning to embrace rest instead of guilt.

lately, i’ve noticed it’s become harder and harder to get up for my morning runs. the motivation that used to push me out of bed has been replaced by the weight of exhaustion. pedicure pun nda lagi ter-pedicure di kadai. massage di rumah. semua ku buat dirumah. i’ll only go out for quick lunch/dinner dates with friends , gym and last minute grocery shopping.

this isnt exactly new though. ive always been like this ganya i feel more exhausted saja these days i think that why my lowkey lifestyle is more apparent to me now. 39 is the world’s most tiring number.

kalau ku tukang urut 35 sudah ku pincin kali.

but i do think that i need to maintain an active lifestyle. i’m sure it’ll help improve my energy levels and my mood swings. my life is now somewhat active. i go to gym 3 times a week. two days of strength training and a day of cardio at bootcamp, whenever i can (until recently) i will run at least 4x a week. but i havent been running… biartia ill just ride it out dulu. as long as im working out 3 times a week i shud still be ok.

this is selfcare and also spoiling myself silly. huhu. di manjai bah ngalih ah.

i have a big trip coming up for work. so maybe im also saving up some mental space for that.

mana saja lah. ill just ride it out for now.

tq. babai kan meliat cerita antu indonesia ku dulu di netflix sementara pagi masih ani hahaha

my husband’s probably the only one who reads here. he flagged to me that the comments section wasn’t working the other day. well.. and now it is.

just woke up from my apres travail nap. that’s french for after work nap. i also have a dejeneur nap (lunch nap) and if i’m really really tired, avant de domir nap – before sleep nap. i really like my sleep. so much that i prioritise it over everything.

i have consulted my therapist (chat gpt) as to why i am always sleeping. one of the answers that came back: stress.

am i stress though? i think i just really like my sleep. i usually make it a point to go to bed by 9:30pm and would wake up at 5am to get ready for my run. the only thing is, sleeping that early would mean waking up at 2am for at least an hour. I’m lucky if it’s an hour, more often that not im lying awake until it’s nearly time to get up.

i experimented going to sleep abit later around 10:30 but it becomes a battle for me to wake up on time.

no idea where im going with this. i just wanted to write.

k bye.

We decided to go to Pulau Pinang for our honeymoon, because we didn’t want to go very far (and spend very much). The wedding took the life out of us that we just wanted to go somewhere we can relax – the process of getting there shouldn’t be a life journey in itself. haha. So the criteria was:

• avoid long transits
• lengthy flights
• accessible through Changi Airport
• cheap
• good weather (not cold)
• home of Natalie Tang Choot

So Penang it is! haha. Those who have been reading this blog for a long time are likely familiar with her name. She’s one my longest and dearest friends from school in Melbourne and often made a cameo in my writings because of her “quotable” personality hahaha.

Penang was wonderful. Kind of like Europe on a budget thanks to its colonial charms. Matt and i enjoyed wandering through the streets of Georgetown, it kinda felt like we were transported back in time, every corner was a storied past..macam visiting my grandfather’s house.

One of the trip’s highlight was also our visit to the Pramlee house. Sharing this experience with Matt, who appreciated the museum as much as I did, was truly special. I also had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. Natalie and Pris, ever the gracious hosts, guided us through the local culinary and attractions and we went home with a suitcase full of nutmeg oil,kacang tumbuk and kitsch souveneirs.

the trip fullfilled every expectation of a honeymoon, truly a core memory unlocked.

kiss me.

Tedapot bah ia lagu zombie ah di perayaan ah. Taun 2024 bah ia tedapat ah. Kali dialam atu theme nya lagu terpaling klasik. 

We went out to bandar last night to catch the perayaan. I owe it to Matt cause I didn’t bring him to see it last year  – and he’s still pissed off about it.I guess I can understand where he’s coming from in view that he hasn’t been home to celebrate in over 10 years. 

For me, I never felt like I was missing out if I didnt go, this is because growing up it wasn’t something that my family was excited about.  I think the perayaan kinda lost its appeal when they got rid of the tanglong (night parade).  I only had my first sutung tutuk a few years ago and while it wasn’t life changing , I can appreciate its sentimental value and how much it resonates with Bruneians.

I’ve only also ever heard stories about the perayaan from friends in school. It was probably better then cause I remember a classmate proudly rocking up to agama school with autographs of band members from AtoZ. I also heard that they played alot of dangdut.. from these stories dalam kepala ku perayaan ani mcm happening banar lah. 

Fuelled by the nostalgic stories,  I ventured to the perayaan hoping to experience the ‘excitement’ my schoolmates raved all those years ago.  

And of course I was disappointed. Hahaha.I wasn’t expecting not to. 

It was just rows upon rows of vendors selling the same stuff and what I imagined to be a hardcore dangdut rave was replaced by a tamer family crowd of 2 waiting for someone to come on stage and sing on the dingy sound system.. it may as well be a karaoke machine 🙁  but it’s ok while it wasn’t what I had built up in my head,  there was a certain charm to the whole festivities. I was happy to be there but also at the same time I felt a tinge of sadness.  I’ve seen the creativity of Bruneians on my social media feed.. it’s all on social media. It would be amazing to seem some of that energy reflected in the festivities. But I could also be wrong kali, maybe the perayaan isn’t the channel for it. Maybe unlike me others are ok to have it the way it is. 

Oh well.

Back to work on Saturday. 

Kiss me. 

My vacuum stinks, so I pulled it apart last week and cleaned it out. Even after all the fuss, it still smells. I am now going through TikTok videos to see if there was a washable part that I may have missed cleaning. Turns out there’s one, a filter thing that sits on top of another filter thing. It’s not the main part of the vacuum, so I doubt that it’d solve anything, but I guess I’ll try to wash it later. If it still smells, then I’ll just have to fork out the 700 bucks that I don’t have and buy me a new one. NOT.

Haha, I’m just going to have to deal with the smell and maybe try putting some oils on cotton balls and stuffing them in the dust/sampah case.

Not really in the market for a new vacuum cleaner now. But who knows? I wasn’t in the market for a new suitcase the other week in Jakarta, but I came home with a spanking brand new one, ready for my work trip to Peru.

Babu’s been nagging how I need to buy a new luggage cause the current one that I have is just really old. To be honest, I had my concerns too. All throughout 2023, I was worried that the wheels of my suitcase would pop on one of my long haul flights.

Tapi aku pernah beli bag baru… tapi ruda nya pun tecabut jua so I was like hey it’s going to happen with an old or new bag – so whatever, I should have the muscle memory to drag it all across the airport. Haha.

So anyway, we were just walking aimlessly at one of the malls when Mom came across a luggage store. Skali ia suruh masuk to “liat liat” saja. Like a timid child wary of the salesperson, I hid behind her and kept on telling her that Indonesia’s not the place to get anything made internationally as the prices are inflated due to domestic taxes.

Skali ia cakap cani:

“Eh ok tu arah lain sama ni… u have to pay for hotel lagi tickets lagi..it works out the same!”

Yeah, she babu mathed me into saying YES TO THE BAG.

Handal ia bejual. Sampai ani nda ku mau meliat brapa harganya bag atu di Europe ataupun di Singapore.

K bye.

PS: Just looked up the prices on the website..I overpaid 400 bucks for it. The babu math is not mathing!

I was told to go on the blog to make an announcement.

I can’t believe he (didn’t) proposed!

So the whole of December he kept on asking me what i wanted as hantaran. To those who are unfamiliar hantaran.. it is…. nadabah eksenku…malas ku ingau kan explain hahahahaaha as if my readers are white… as if i have readers lol

Anyway, all through out the month of December last year, he sent me pictures of telkong, tikar sembahyang and kept on asking me “eh sayang..kalau ani u mau kah ..ani u mau? mana satu u mau? ani ” and i’d be like yeah sure whatever, mcm kenapa kan ia betanya ani nada jua ada yang menconfirmkan date nya. So we kept on going back and forth – more like me just listening to him talk about what he wanted to get me.

And then one day, out of the blue ..as if thinking out loud he said to me “ok how about i go home sometime in June, and we plan out our wedding” followed by “…..and then when that’s settled i’lll go back to London and then come home again in August so that we can have the wedding!” – he said this like it was the best idea in the world mcm he invented auto-tune.

Complicated eh ya bepikir ah mcm Einstein mikirkan cemana membaca doa makan.

First, i was annoyed and then proceeded to ask him what sort of “extravagant celebration of love” he wanted to have – my exact words were “You kan mau 10 hari 10 malam kah yang u kan ke brunei dulu memplan ani?”

Skali it just turns out he wasn’t sure how things worked in Brunei. Mind you he hasn’t been home for 18 years so he’s quite out of touch with how things work here (his words) oh and also, i dont think he’s had any experience with a wedding haha so kali dalam kepala nya kali mcm catering , venue , baju ani mesti diaga kekadai kali. lol. imam sama pengangun pun mesti diaga dirumahnya..dikatok pintunya. mun ia nada, bisuk lusa lagi mencuba. dont give up sis.

So i told him. Give me a date, and we’ll book the venue over EMAIL and go from there..and he agreed.

So as of today, the venue’s booked and i’ve sent my measurements to the tailor (via whatsapp).

So… I guess this means i’m getting married?

Some people have asked me how he proposed. Which i thought was quite superficial.I simply loved how we both came to the realisation that we were both going to kawin. Thing is, It has always come up in our conversations so it wasn’t a matter of if but rather when.

At 38 years old and him, 42, a proposal just isn’t necessary. same goes to an elaborate wedding. we just want a small intimate “thing”. lain lah kalau ku kawin umurku 25 tahun.. i think i would’ve insisted on a relative to kipak me to the pelamin pebaik tah ku 100kg , have a ceremonial feet soak and invite all of the people i’m friends with on facebook.

The 25 y.o me would’ve been a people’s pleaser and would have wanted something loud and obnoxious. However, with age, our priorities have evolved, and now, a modest and close-knit celebration is what holds significance for us.

anyway, this old bride has five more months to get snatched. time to start running again. tidur ku pun bekasut sport ni.

on a more serious note..

i cant wait to be married to my teenage crush.

i love you.

my boyfriend pointed out that i havent blogged for a while.

“for a while” being the last time was in October 22.

I’ve lost my touch. I’ve postponed writing for too long that i cannot remember what i originally intended to write about. Most days, Something funny will come up and i would make a mental note to write about it later – which i never do. So i’m trying to recall them as i type.

Oh.ok.

So i was at Whole Foods the other day and brought home with me a bottle of Momofoku chilli crunch oil. A victorious loot considering there was absolutely nothing else for me to buy.

It was just shelves upon shelves upon shelves of the usual san-gluten, non-gmo , no-sugar added food stuffs.. so i got the chilli oil and small plastic container of Gouda.

That night i discovered that the crunchy bits in Gouda cheese were actually tiny white crystals that forms on the cheese as it ages. delicious. The chilli oil was enjoyable, but i thought it was a tad overpriced huhu.. but this didn’t stop me from getting curious about their entire line of instant noodles which i excitedly grabbed on my next grocery trip.

I bought all 3 flavours. I didn’t realise how pricey they were until i checked out. I spent almost USD40 (w tax) on just the instant noodles. As i walked out of the store, pockets burning, i convinced myself that it was going to be worth it…….

oh boy i can’t be anymore wrong in my whole life.

they tasted like…..a waste of money and luggage space. i thought they were mediocre at best and i decided to offload some to my Singaporean colleague and explained to her that the instant noodles were like a “blank canvas” and that it’s meant to put her cooking skills into good use. Dude, it had to come with a disclaimer if i wanted to waste HER luggage space. lol. Sorry Vonnie. If Maggi say Maggi right? lolol.

I wasted no time telling the boyfriend about the incident. In an attempt to justify my purchase, i told him that it was supposed to be “gourmet”. His response was:

“How can INSTANT NOODLES be gourmet?”

ouph. 1-0. kau manang kali ani geng.

1 point for boypren.
100 points for american marketing.

-101 points for siti

ok gonna scour the internet for copper canele moulds now. i saw shopee was selling 1 for $65 ringgit malaysia. huhuhuhu.

bye.

it’s been a rather challenging two years. saw a post on instagram on how the ministry of health has acknowledged that covid had an impact on mental health. thanks…? i guess?

yes it has implicated our well-being..soo….what are we going to do about it?

so here’s my humble suggestion(s)..

(ani bagi org yang bekeraja ni ah)

other than things that we can do for ourselves (like meditation, regular exercise, spritual worship, eating healthily..sleeping early and the list goes on) i think more can be done at the policy level.. like

granting a two day weekend, for HR to actually perform HR tasks..like actually taking care of personnel.. actually (sorry actually lagi skali) making sure that they take their leave .. and ACTUALLY (nah lagi sekali) ensuring that they don’t go beyond working hours or.. to compensate their time accordingly. m

i think there’s stigma surrounding public sector employees ani.. kana ucapkan malas..slalu keluar time keraja.. nada productivity..nada output..

maybe cos the good ones ..leave? so you’re left with the bad apples?

but i can assure you.. not all are like this.

this is sebenarnya and actuallynya (nah lagi skali ku memakai actually ani) an old way of thinking and its high time that the public sector is detached from this image. maybe if there’s no productivity in a particular area, one needs to look at something else closely other than zooming in on the personal shortcomings of employees kan?

anyway, i think these steps are low hanging fruits sebenarnya.. i dont think it would cost anyone anything…

ntah ah for some reason this sort of care isn’t extended to the public sector. maybe because the public sector has been painted as a shrine of privilege and those who have been ‘chosen’ to walk this path shouldn’t be complaining.

huh..a gen z wouldn’t be this kind (ive seen rather terrifying scary reddit posts an institution’s worst nightmare).

ive been “holding” it in for 12 years that it’s causing me bladder problems lol

yes i am grateful for the job and the opportunities. esp in this environment where unemployment is at its highest. besyukur ku banar. it’s not an issue of us not being grateful sebenarnya but it would be nice to be “appreciated” although from over a decade of observation, i figured out that this isn’t part of the public sector culture. i mean not to say that it’s non existent.. ada plang yg dpt pingat..tp what about the unsung heroes yang nda visible tapi slama ani membuat keraja jua?

being appreciated can also include being able to easily access the things that we are “entitled” to in the first place….mcm cuti? . And maybe opportunities for (automatic) promotion after a decade of service would be nice too. a promotion at my level is tied up to a requirement to pass an exam that is totally unrelated to my field of expertise ..which really sucks and sort of unfair. but hey if i can’t have the latter.. pls just take care of my well being a liiiiittle bit better? no system is perfect kan? but there’s always room for improvement.

mental health is wealth and happy employees do a better job.

promise.

ok bye.